The chorus of a popular song has become the theme of my life recently; “Breathe, just breathe.” There are so many things in life that can take our breath away. It may be a financial upheaval that knocks the wind out of you, or the amazing revelation of the fullness of God’s love and holiness that just moves us so deeply we don’t even want to breathe for fear of disturbing it. It is imperative to breathe. This sounds like an absurd statement, as everyone knows that in order to keep living you have to keep breathing. But so often we get caught up in the moments of life, and we actually need to remind ourselves to breathe. Even in those beautiful times with God, we must inhale deeply in order to receive more of what He has for us. We may not think we can, but He wants us to take in as much of His presence as possible, and then some. For we will draw on that deposit later when life knocks us down.

I am learning to breathe. When life kicks me in the back and I’m left gasping, I am beginning to draw from the wells of life within me and calm down. He then steps in and takes care of the situation. I just have to breathe. When things are wonderful and I don’t want my humanity to intervene and thwart the majesty that is all around me, I have to take in the moment and store it deep within. In this process I have found that there are more moments of bliss than moments of pain. It’s all about awareness.

Breathing is to have life, to have reality of life. It is to be. Just be. To find rest in the grace that He extends to just be His son or daughter. God never asks or expects from us anything that doesn’t first define who He is. He will never expect from us something that He Himself hasn’t already given. He is not a “do as I say, not as I do” kind of God. He is integrity.

So, just breathe. You just can’t imagine all that can happen when you do. Just lay back and breathe in the goodness of God, even in the midst of the pain and turmoil. Take it all in, and watch what He does. Just breathe!

I am just loving life today! I love everything about it. The ups, the downs, but mostly the processes in between. I am so grateful for where God has brought me. It has been a long road, but in the end will have been most worth the struggle. I am finding that the things that bring me down a little, don’t seem to keep me there like they used to. Everything is different and beautiful! I will never go back to that depressed place again, and I will fight with all my might to keep others around me out of that place as well.

Algebra is still not fun, but I’m going to make it. I am determined that no matter what, this will not beat me. I can do this and I will. I’m sure once this mental block that I have is removed, things will begin to make sense and flow together. We just learned about imaginary numbers. Imaginary? Really? Is this EVER going to help me in life? I mean, one day am I going to wake up and decide that I need to add together some things that don’t exist? Oh well, I’m sure there is some relevance somewhere. It just may never apply to me. But if I do ever need to multiply some pretend numbers, I’ll know how. Maybe.

It has been a few days since my last post. Things have been very busy. Algebra is still frustrating, but last week I was able to finish my homework before my friend came over to help me. I’m starting to grasp some of the methods that my teacher uses which make a lot more sense than the way I was taught, so that’s progress. As I was sitting in the parking lot this past week not wanting to go in, I heard some crows cawing from the direction of the math building. It was like a foreshadowing of what awaited me inside. They were declaring, “Doom on you!” (much like the buzzards from the Ice Age movie). Not a good way to start the evening, but humorous if nothing else.  My other classes are going well.

I’m still enjoying the process that God is bringing me through. I’ve struggled a lot over the last year and a half (maybe longer) feeling like I’m not really moving forward much. I had lunch with my pastor’s wife one day this week and she was telling me how much I have changed for the better just in the last couple of weeks. That was very encouraging. I had felt in myself like I was making progress with some things, but it’s much better when someone who has known you for a long time reassures that for you. I’m truly embracing happiness for the first time in my life. Of course I still have my battles, but they are relatively small. I’ve got a little issue currently, but it will resolve. I made an inadvertant error in my funds (I thought I had more than I really did-not an uncommon error, just one I hadn’t made in a while). I am very aggravated with myself, but will make it. God is faithful, even when I’m stupid! He’s so good that way! He will sustain me ’til next Friday, one way or another.

This truly is a wonderful season I am in. I appreciate God so much for bringing me to this place. I wake up everyday with such anticipation of what He has in store for me next. Depression sucks; this is a much better path! I love that God is constantly giving me opportunities to encourage others through their processes also. This is what I was born for. This is my purpose.

I went to my first college algebra class Monday night, and felt completely lost. I had been feeling fairly confident because I scored well on the Accuplacer, but that confidence hit the floor about 10 minutes into the class. One lady sitting next to me said this was her 3rd attempt at this class! Third attempt?! I do not have the time or the money to repeat this class. So now I am full on determined to make an A in this class. I will not let this beat me! I have been intimated by math since 6th grade, and it is time for that to end. I am smart enough to understand this. I was trying to do some homework last night, and was not getting very far. I finally had to stop and put it away for the evening. The frustration was not worth it. I will not let it overtake me. If I have to find a tutor, I will do that. My teacher teaches the same class Monday night and Tuesday night. I decided that if I don’t understand the concept Monday night, I will come back on Tuesday night since I don’t have any other classes then. It will be a hard-fought battle, but I will win. I will press through to the finish, and I WILL overcome. And it will have been worth it when I receive that A at the end of the semester.

On a lighter note, but still math related, my 12 year old niece was doing her homework last night. She asked me, “Amy, when am I ever going to use this stuff in my life?!” She was doing basic division. I laughed and told her, “Only everyday for the rest of your life!” She didn’t like that answer. A little bit later she had a story problem that was figuring how much $$ you would make per hour if you made $X in X hours. I told her that this was one of the reasons that she would need to know division. She understood then.

Who am I, What am I here for? The questions that haunt everyone’s mind. It’s not who we are but WHAT we are. We look into the mirror and we see pain, joy, weakness, strength, hope. But we must ask ourselves, what does everyone else see. Like the mirror we reflect Who it is that lives in us. We are but a reflection of the Greatness that is God. Through us is He able to be seen clearly. But as we look at our own reflection, we try to do things in our own strength, our own way. And like children who color on the walls, we cover the reflection of who it is that we are portraying. Through our own ways, and sometimes other’s choices, we become stained and cracked. We fall away and begin to doubt. It gets harder to be that clear reflection that we were meant to be. And we feel like we have fallen into the fire to be consumed. But the truth is, that God holds us in the flames like the maker of silver. So that He can wash away all the impurities, and doubt, and pain. A process that we have to go through on a regular basis, in order to be the true reflection of the one in whom we trust and portray. This process is a painful one, but will make us not only a clearer picture, but also a stronger one. One that can stand the storm and winds that try so desperately to hide Who we are in Christ. Our purpose here is to Love, Obey, Surrender (to God), and fight!!! As God has told me before, I am God’s Sword, Only with his command will I attack. Like all of those before me, and those who will come, Warriors are what we are, but even a warrior for God needs to rest. It is in Him and Him ONLY will we truly be able to rest. And in the end we will stand as a lighthouse in the storm, a defender of those lost, and a friend to those who thought they were forgotten. So that we may show All, Who we are in Christ, and just what exactly we are here for. To show the world God’s Love and compassion for all, not just a few. As my favorite saying goes ” a soldier fights with his head, and then WITH HIS HEART.” So we must have the mind of Christ, and God’s heart towards all. Even those who have hurt us and left us cracked and broken. For it is through this brokenness, that God is able to pour out His love and mercy. That we may show the world, through our brokenness, how we were made whole.

I wish I could take credit for this, but I cannot. This is the writing of a dear friend who is processing well. I am just truly honored that God has allowed me to be a part of this young man’s life. I have learned a lot through his struggles and overcoming. He is a great blessing in my life.

So far l like my classes. Of course I haven’t had college algebra yet; I go to that class tonight. But I’m sure it will be fine. The other classes are going to be time consuming, but not all that difficult. So I am sure that I will survive. Right now, I’m trying to get a routine down. Once I get in the full swing of things, I feel that I will become completely dependant on a daytimer. That will be a good thing. Every new year I get a new one trying to become more organized, which works for about 2 weeks and then l go back to just winging it. I don’t think that’s going to work anymore. My life has become much too complicated for that.

I’m doing well with the weight loss/exercise plan. I have lost a total of 12 pounds to date, and have not had a Coke, Dr. Pepper, or any caffinated beverage for a whole week! I am feeling pretty good also. I have not had any withdrawal headaches, which is very unusual. I also have been consistant with my B12 vitamins, and they seem to be helping a lot. I don’t get as tired as I used to, and l have found it difficult to take an afternoon nap on the weekends. Even when I don’t get any sleep the night before! I haven’t decided if that’s a good thing or not. My goal is to lose another 15-20 pounds by the end of the month. At that point I will determine how much more weight needs to go. I am still riding the bicycle, usually 30 minutes (at least) daily. Yesterday I was feeling really good, and it was a beautiful day, so I decided that maybe a walk was in order. Wrong decision! My feet were killing me! I’m still not at a point where walking can be my primary exercise. I did manage to get in about a mile, but it was not without great pain. But I survived, and with little residual pain today. So not completely bad.

I’m still having a blast with all that God is showing me. I have finally learned to enjoy the processes of life. I have discovered that in going through these things, we have a greater understanding. I have also realized that when I walk through the valley, not expect God to deliver me instantly (although it seems like a good idea at the time), I am better able to recognize those things that put me in the valley in the first place. Then, as l continue my walk, should those things try to pop up again, I will see them as the traps that they are and avoid them. God is so good! It’s such a shame that we often spend so much of our time and efforts being upset because He has not delivered us out of our situations, instead of asking for proper sight to advance forward through them. If only we could learn to appreciate His fathering. Open the eyes of my heart, O God. Open the eyes of my understanding that I may continue to move onward and upward!

Last night I attended my first class, Comp 2. I think it’s going to be good. The teacher is really nice, and seems very accomodating. I also have a friend in there. I ran into someone that I haven’t seen in about 10 or so years. We have the same major and will be acheiving our degrees through the same process, so we will probably have more classes together as we go along. I didn’t get a chance to ask him if he’s taking any of the other classes I’m enrolled in, but we’ll see. It’s good to have a familiar face in each class. Tonight is the first night of my computer class which I am really looking forward to. I’m hoping to learn a lot of things in there that will help me on my job. I have decided to pursue the Bachelor’s of Applied Arts & Sciences degree in Behavioral Sciences only and forgo the Health Information Mgmt Associates degree. The ultimate desire of my heart is to counsel. So I will be pursuing a license in professional counseling. I’m not really sure how that will correspond with my current job, but God knows and will direct me. The counseling may only be for ministry purposes. I don’t have to have the answers today, just follow the leading of His Spirit within me.

Also, my brother is getting baptized tomorrow! I’m very excited. God is doing wonderful things!

Well, I was supposed to start school yesterday, but I start today. I made an adjustment to my schedule, that I actually think might be for the best. I have a friend that was wanting to take the computer class with me, but when she went to register, the Tuesday night class was full. She asked me if I would consider switching to Thursday night. I told her I would see what I could do, because I really wanted to take this class with her. So after some prayer and being really nice to the folks at the school, I was able to jump into the Thursday night class. So now I have 2 classes with friends, and my schedule is Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday nights. I think I’m going to like this schedule better anyway. So we shall see.

All my life there have been 2 things that have remained as deep desires of my heart; to be a wife and mother. To date, neither one has come to pass. Over the years I have been there when some of my friends would receive beautiful prophecies about their future spouses and children; God would not address this issue with me. I finally decided several years ago that hoping was too painful, so I would not allow myself to. The desire would never relent, so I began the process of trying to surrender this desire to Him. Mostly trying to convince myself that it would be ok if I remained single (I still haven’t been convinced). Well last weekend something happened. I was at a meeting in Fayetteville with many people from different churches within the network we belong to. At one point we were to go around and greet one another. A man about my age, and just a little taller than me approached me. When he looked at me, he looked into my very soul. And instead of being mortified by the brokenness within me, he saw something else. He acted as if he wanted to tell me something, but we moved on to others. I looked for him later, and was unable to find him. I have looked at many pictures from this event, and cannot seem to find him in any of them.

This encounter left me very puzzled. I felt like God sent him to me for a purpose but I didn’t understand why. Until now. He’s my rainbow. Rainbows symbolize promise. When I was praying about this the other day I felt God tell me that he was my promise of the desires of my heart. I’m not saying that this particular man is to be my husband, but he represents the one God has for me. One who can look deeper into me than anyone else has, and see what God sees, not the brokenness and pain that I have been hiding. He will be one who will build me and cause me to elevate toward God, and I will do the same for him. I will be the delight of his heart. And he will have the physical attributes that I have sought. I will not have to “settle” for someone that I am not really attracted to, as “this is the best you can have”. I will be totally, completely, madly in love with this man! So I now have my promise, my rainbow!

PS-There was a rainbow in the sky coming home from Fayetteville the same day of the encounter!